MY GARDEN

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“My soul is aching for me to come back to myself.” – Najwa Zebian

It’s insane to me how deeply you can lose yourself in something/someone else. It’s crazy how you can literally look at yourself in the mirror and not recognize the face you see. I’ve been asking myself so many questions lately, most of them along the lines of:

“When did this happen?”

“How could I let this happen?”

“How can I go back to being me?”

The shittiest part of this entire life journey is that nobody can give you answers to questions like that; you kind of just have to keep living your life and feeling every emotion and making mistakes and growing through the discomfort. And there is so. Much. Discomfort.

I’m someone who feels everything so deeply. Nothing affects me on a “moderate” level. I am not sad, I am intensely upset and bothered and dejected. I am not happy, I am genuinely overjoyed and excited and motivated. This weird (and sometimes very shitty) emotional spectrum of mine has allowed me to have incredible highs in my life and unbearable lows, and it’s something that I have come to understand and accept.

Very recently, I found myself searching my reflection for any glimpse of the person I used to be. My heart felt broken for a million and one reasons, and I couldn’t even rely on the safety of my mind to soothe me. I felt like a ghost, a shell of a person. I couldn’t recognize this sad, hopeless person because she wasn’t me. She was what had come from me planting myself in someone else’s garden, unprepared for the moment they got tired of watering me. She was insecure, stressed, hung up on the opinions and decisions of someone who didn’t deserve her time or energy. She didn’t need to be saved, she just needed to be found.

And that’s what I want to do. I want to find the person I used to be before I gave her up to be someone I didn’t love. I want to replant my garden.

lifeasha bailey